We were on our way to our first ultrasound appointment, nausea at its worst, kids excited in the back seat. I was taking it all in.
And to think, we would never be in this moment if it weren’t for God changing my heart.
Have you ever made this statement – I will never__________.
My statement was, “I will never have kids again.”
I know, it’s kinda harsh.
There is a reason for our 7 year gap.
I didn’t think I could go through another challenging postpartum stage again. At least that is what I told myself.
The real reason was because of the traumatic events that happened after my last baby was born. The math in my head was Baby + Life = Me Losing Control.
It would mean another child that I would worry about protecting from the awful things in this world. I didn’t want what happened to my child to happen again.
I can relate to Moses in the Bible.
When God told Moses he would be the one to confront Pharoah and lead his people out of Egypt, Moses pushed back repeatedly.
Like me, he wanted control, safety and predictability.
Moses answered, “What If they do not believe me or listen to me and say, “The LORD did not appear to you?”
Then the LORD said to him, “What is that in your hand?”
“A staff,” he replied.
The LORD said, “Throw it on the ground.”
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. (Exodus 4:1-3 NIV)
Instead of trusting in God’s power, he was scared, making excuses and “what if” statements.
Think about it; The guy who was supposed to face Pharaoh and be a leader ran from a snake!
But God, still chose him.
I think sometimes we believe the lie that if we play it safe, we can control situations.
And maybe that’s the problem, we shouldn’t be in control – that job has already been taken.
On one of my jogs, I felt like God was telling me, “Hey daughter, I know you have given me this part of your life, but I need you to trust me with ALL of it.”
And I knew exactly what part.
My husband and I were praying about the possibility of growing our family, but my head was stuck in past circumstances. I wanted a baby, but I was scared of the “what if’s.”
The next couple of years, God worked on my heart. He showed me time and time again that no matter what happens, he is sovereign over it all.
He showed me that a baby would be the greatest blessing!
I love how the author, Megan Fate Marshman, talks about this in her book ‘Relaxed.’
“The journey God takes us on in trusting His sovereignty begins with a personal awareness of all the ways we don’t trust Him. And then being honest about them.”
Maybe you are reading this, and thinking, “How can God be in control when my life looks so out of control?” Or maybe you put your trust in God, but you keep getting hit with bad news.
Because there is evil in the world, God didn’t say we would escape pain– BUT he did say he would be with us through it all.
What I love about Moses is that he didn’t stay skeptical and guarded. After he led the people out of Egypt, we read how Moses did exactly what God told him without even questioning it. He fully trusted his Father, even when the Israelites didn’t.
Then the Lord said to Moses, “Tell the Israelites to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. They are to encamp by the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon. (Exodus 14: 1-2)
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:13-14)
What I have learned is that in every heartache, God’s nearness was what got me through. Through my questions and anger, he never left.
So maybe it will take 7 years for you too, or longer to find healing. But God can redeem any situation – because with Him, healing is possible.
He is with you.
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