Tears were streaming down my face as I left the office.
Did I really just ask the dermatologist if there would be a scar on my face?
I felt ridiculous thinking more about what I would look like than the actual diagnosis.
God why did this have to be on my face? What if it is cancer and they have to make an even bigger incision?!
In Numbers chapter 22 in the Bible, there is a story about a prophet named Balaam. King Balak of Moab, fearful of the mighty Israelites approaching his land, summons Balaam to curse the people. Although Balak offers a reward, Balaam is more attentive to the voice of God. God makes it clear: He will not allow Balaam to curse His chosen people.
As he starts his journey, the donkey sees an angel of the Lord standing in the middle of the path with a drawn sword. The donkey turns off the road to avoid danger. This frustrates Balaam and he hits his donkey to get him to go back on the path.
Balaam couldn’t see the danger in the middle of the road.
I have come here to block your way because you’re getting way ahead of yourself. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If she hadn’t, I would have killed you by this time. (Numbers 22:32-33)
We get angry when things don’t go our way and life becomes unpredictable. But maybe that frustrating thing in your life is God’s way of saving you from harm.
Balaam said to God’s angel, “I have sinned. I had no idea you were standing in the road blocking my way.” (Numbers 22:34 MSG)
The angel of the Lord told Balaam that the very thing he was angry about was what saved his life.
The angel was in the middle of the road, trying to warn Balaam, but he didn’t trust his donkey and missed what God was trying to tell him.
I realized maybe God needed to get my attention. He knew I wouldn’t have gone to a skin cancer screening if it wasn’t noticeable. And because I went, they found a spot on my arm I couldn’t see that needed a biopsy as well.
What are you in the middle of?
Maybe you are like me, waiting for the diagnosis. Or maybe your middle has been:
-years of infertility
-a marriage headed for divorce
-praying for a wayward child
-grieving the loss of someone special
-fearing you might lose your business
My middle was ugly. I cried. I researched. I worried. I complained. I didn’t want to leave the house the first few days because I hated how I looked from the biopsy. And then, something shifted.
God showed me how cruel I had been to myself – not just this week- but for years!
The day after my biopsy, I was feeling pretty down. My son gave me a hug, looked at my face and said, “Mommy, you don’t look bad.”
He may never know how much those words meant to me in that moment, but I felt God was teaching me something.
Just like in the story with Balaam, God was in the middle of my road, and I couldn’t see him waving the red flags.
He was there all along, urging me to stop the relentless self-criticism.
As my birthday approaches, I am feeling grateful for the body God gave me. Every spot, line, wrinkle, ache and pain. All of it! Because it’s birthed 2 kids, ran thousands of miles, and carried me through the ups and downs of life.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
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I wrote the above before my diagnosis. I found out later that BOTH spots were benign. Praise God!
But as I look back, I realize maybe he wasn’t trying to save me from skin cancer – maybe He wanted to save me from my toxic self-talk.
To the person still in the middle: No matter how difficult your “middle” feels—the waiting, the unknowns, the unanswered questions, the tears—God is right there in the middle. And alongside Him, your family and friends, offering their prayers and support. You are never alone.
He knows what you need, in the middle.
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