“How did I get here?” This was a question I’d ask myself when I was awake in the middle of the night, crying with my 1-year-old, trying to get her to go back to bed. I would carry her all over the dark house in hopes she would fall asleep. Some nights would take over an hour to get her to go back to bed. It was a constant battle. My husband would try to help, but she only wanted me. I was worn out. Life was hard. I was struggling. I didn’t know how I could be a “good Mom” when I had emotional pain to heal from.
No one told me how hard mothering would be.
No one prepared me for how to deal with my own trauma while trying to raise babies.
Guilt set in because I had friends who couldn’t get pregnant and here I was complaining about how hard this is. I should be feeling grateful that I get to be a Mom, but all I could think about was how I needed a break.
A mental break. A physical break. A Mom break. A Life break.
But how can you take a break when life keeps moving and you have kids to take care of? It’s like being on a carousel- you can’t get off until it stops. You just keep going round-and-round and you can’t see the end.
I remember one day, when I was up with my child trying to get her to go back to bed, humming the song “Oceans” and all I could think about was all the circumstances I was dealt with. Betrayal in my marriage, my Grandma passing away, my sons terrible experience in school & a suicidal friend. I said to God, “I can’t do this anymore!”
Have you ever said those words? “I can’t do this anymore!”
In the Bible, Moses had the same reaction when he was tasked with leading the Israelites out of Egypt. Once God delivered them out of bondage, they found themselves wandering in the desert for 40 years. The Israelites were quick to forget all that God had done, and now they thought it would be better to be slaves in Egypt again instead of trusting in the desert. Moses didn’t know how to lead these people on his own – but he wasn’t alone- God was right there and he said he would lead them into the promise land.
Exodus 33:12 Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”
The Lord replied, “My PRESENCE will go with you, and I will give you REST.”
Maybe you are a new Mom, and you have similar circumstances. You need a break- a break from breaking down. You LOVE your child, but it feels like a desert season.
God’s presence will go with you and give you rest!
Invite God into your sleepless nights and know that he is up late with you, surrounding you. God can handle your grief.
It will not always be this hard.
One day my son came home from school and had a paper that said “All about my Family” I read over his answers and this sentence jumped off the page,
“I Love… When my Mommy puts me to bed.”
That was all I needed. It was like God telling me, “Hey, remember those sleepless nights a few years ago? You WERE seen.”
The way to get through a desert season is to allow God to help you off the spinning carousel, and jump into his arms. He is the safest place to land.
I started using the time I was up trying to get my daughter back to sleep by praying endlessly. Praying for him to meet me in my pain, thanking him for his character. I read my Bible, daily devotions, and told friends how I was really doing. I realized everyone is struggling with something- I wasn’t alone. You aren’t alone.
The song I would hum to my kids to get them to fall asleep was “Oceans” by Hillsong United. So, in my desert season, wandering, I was singing to myself too-
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your Name
and keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
I was singing to give my kids physical rest while God was giving my soul rest.
He can do that for you too.
I was reminded of that this week at my son’s soccer practice. It used to be a struggle trying to entertain my daughter as he practiced. But here I was, running (by myself) around the track watching my son practice, and my daughter playing happily with a friend.
No one can prepare you for how much love you feel for your children.
No one can prepare you for all the lessons your children will teach you.
No one can prepare you for the pure joy you feel being a mom.
No one can prepare you for your strengthened faith when you make it out of a desert season.
Your greatest ministry comes out of your worst season.
The devil tried to take me out, but I came out on the other side so much STRONGER, ready to tell the world how he saved me! It was in my desert season that inspired my writing and to encourage as many people as possible.
If you are wandering in the wilderness this Mother’s Day I want you to know,
It WILL not always be this hard.
The season you are in WILL pass.
You WILL be able to heal.
Your children WILL learn to sleep.
You WILL get to shower without interruptions.
You WILL be able to have community
& GOD WILL always be there.
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